Life Forever Changed

Wow, to be honest, I'm not really sure where to begin.  The last 4 years have been really crazy, since Jeremy started school.  Life really changed once John Thomas was born.  He was a super easy baby, but obviously, life with two was a little more challenging.  He was diagnosed with reflux in January 2012 and then asthma in September 2012.  We had lots of sickness in our house in all of 2012.  I kept John Thomas out of all nursery settings--church, mothers day out, etc.  It was a difficult year, but I really couldn't comprehend how difficult things could become.

Fast Forward to this year--2013.

April 2013--Jeremy finished his LAST class of law school.  We were all elated. 

May 2013--Jeremy walked during graduation.  I'm not sure I have ever been so proud in my entire life.  He worked so hard.  I know I've said it before, but I still don't understand how he worked full time, traveled to Birmingham, and still graduated at the top of his class.

June 2013--We were all keeping busy.  Jeremy was in full swing for studying for the Bar Exam.  Me & the kids were trying to keep busy with swim lessons, ballet camp, gymnastics, pool time, summertime.  We were busy, and it was stressful, but we were having a great time!

*************AT ANY POINT THIS MIGHT BE TMI for some readers, so I'm giving you a fair warning.


July 3, 2013--My parents kept the kids that morning so that I could run some errands.  I just felt "off."  My boobs were were big and really sore.  I remember being in Khols, looking for some pjs for the kids, thinking--what is going on!!  Why are my boobs so uncomfortable, and why can't I lose any weight!?
 As I was walking in the parking lot to my car, I decided to hop over to Target and buy a pregnancy test, just in case.

I still had errands, and I didn't have any kids.  I went to Costco, and I had to go to the bathroom, so I took a pregnancy test inside with me--I NEVER dreamed it would be positive.  I had actually been doing everything I could to prevent pregnancy because life was stressful, and I knew it was possible we could be moving out of state for a new job for Jeremy. 

So, I went to the bathroom.  Immediately, the test turned positive.  I was in complete shock--so much that it took my breath away.   I had no idea how "pregnant" I was or when it even "happened." I remember walking around Costco in a complete daze.

For the rest of July, I was SOOO sick.  I was so sick that I even was prescribed medicine from my doctor.  The month was totally stressful.  Jeremy took the Bar Exam the last 3 days of July,  and he wouldn't get his bar results until the last Friday of September.

August 2013--We held our breath and prayed that God would bless Jeremy's efforts.  Jeremy went to the beach for a bachelor trip.  The kids started back to school.  And, Jeremy and I went to Atlanta at the end of the month for a wedding he was in.  We stayed busy.

In August, I had another routine doctor's appointment.  An appointment now that will always haunt me.  My doctor was using the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat.  He had a hard time, but eventually he "found" it.  I didn't think it sounded normal at the time, and he even asked me, "do you feel pregnant??"  I told him I did most certainly feel pregnant.  I had been so sick, and I was growing like normal.  At the time, I didn't think about questioning him about what he had said to me.

For the next month I questioned what my doctor had said to me.  I'm not really sure that it matters now, but I guess you always look back on things and wonder, "what if."

September 2013--At the beginning of the month we were still "settling in" to what "normal" life feels like for most people.  We haven't had Jeremy home on Saturdays since Hadley was born--4 years ago.  Life was bliss, and I was able to take some time for myself.  One weekend, I even went to my Sorority's recruitment to be supportive.  Looking back now, I believe it was one of the last weekends that Caroline was alive.

September 17, 2013--This is the day that we had all been waiting for.  Gender Reveal Day.  Leading up to this day, I had a very hard time getting excited.  I felt strange.  I felt like something was wrong.  I just had a bad, bad feeling.  My appointment wasn't until 3:00 that afternoon, so early in the day we went about "life as normal."  I remember putting the kids down for an early nap.  I ironed their clothes--because they were coming with us to the ultrasound.  I wanted to teach Hadley about Life.  About how early Life begins.

We sat in the waiting room for what *felt* like a long time.  I remember having a lot of anxiety.  Was this the Lord preparing me?  Actually a lot had happened, since I found out I was pregnant, that looking back--I feel like really was preparing me for what was to come.  John Thomas was in his stroller and we were feeding him snacks.  Hadley was playing around the waiting room.

Then..."Bonnie Cobb."  Our Ultrasound Tech called us back.  We laughed about how we had the entire family, and how we were all crowding in a little room together.  I explained to her that we brought the kids because I wanted to teach Hadley about how early LIFE really begins.  She turned out the lights and we all got situated.  The tech was making "small talk."  Then she says, "Uh, Hadley, come here with me."

She got up and took Hadley out of the room.  Me, Jeremy, and John Thomas were left in the very, quite room.

It was then that I **KNEW.***

I wasn't completely sure that our baby was dead, but I knew that something was wrong.

I looked over to Jeremy and said, "I told you that I knew something was wrong."  It was only the night before that I told Jeremy about the feeling that I had been feeling.


*******I will finish the second part of this part of our story very soon.***********