Life Forever Changed Part 2

Sorry it has taken me so long to do a second post.  This is actually more emotional than I anticipated it being

Michelle, our ultrasound tech, has always been amazing.  She was there through my pregnancies with John Thomas and Hadley.  When she came back into the room, she was really quiet, and just said, "I am so sorry you guys, but there isn't a heartbeat."  She got the wand back out to show us again.  Our sweet Caroline wasn't moving at all.  She looked just like a photograph.

I was in complete shock.  I think my flight or fight mode was in full swing because I wanted to know the next steps that we were going to take.  Of course Michelle didn't have answers for us, but they were all so kind and gentle.  They took us immediately into a private room (they were really busy that day and we normally would have had to wait back in the second waiting room).  I went to the bathroom and texted my mom and a few other people and then came back to the room.  Dr. Kouri came in and gave me a hug and told me he was so sorry.  He then took us back to his office to discuss what was going to happen next.

Still no tears for me.  I was in complete shock.  I never knew what shock was until then.  I felt like I was reading someone else's blog...someone else's story.

Dr. Kouri came back in and told us we had two options:
1) he could send us to Birmingham to do a second trimester d&c.  He told us that if we did this, then more than likely our precious baby would come out in multiple pieces.
2) he could induce labor and I would have Caroline vaginally.  You see I have always had csections.  I have prayed and begged God to allow me to have a vaginal delivery.  I know this probably sounds strange to most people, but the operating room is such a cold and sterile place...not some place you can snuggle up to your warm, pink baby after they are born.  So, as you can see, the thought of a vaginal delivery now seemed so unfair.  I was angry that I would have to deliver this way, and in fact, I really wanted him to just do the csection and get it over with, but he would not.

We chose to be induced.  Dr. Kouri was so kind and sympathetic.  He called to make the necessary arrangements for us to come in the next night, Wednesday, September 18, 2013.

Dr. Kouri's staff took such good care of Hadley and she never even knew what was going on.  I think she was even having fun.

Jeremy and I had taken separate cars because he had met me from work.  He took the kids and ran into Starbucks to get them cakepops.

I drove home and called my mom.  My entire family was supposed to be meeting that night to celebrate our new baby...balloons, cake, gifts.

I remember coming home to a very quiet house.  I got into my pjs.  Still no tears...just incredible shock.  I could not believe this was happening.

Jeremy got home with the kids.  We fed them dinner, and he gave them a bath.  A dear friend of mine came over to being us dinner.  Everything just seemed so foggy.

The next day, both of the kids had school, and I decided to send them both so I could pack and clean the house.

I cleaned the house like a crazy person...like I always did right before I had a baby.   Because things would be unbelievably crazy when we got home from the hospital, right??

I remember the power went out that day.  The power never goes out.  I had been washing loads and loads of laundry.  I called my parents to ask them to pick the kids up from school because I hadn't even been able to take a shower. They did and then brought them home to take a nap.  Jeremy came home and we were both working like crazy...looking back, I really just think this was shock and me trying to keep my mind off of things.

I was completely terrified.  Dr. Kouri warned me that this process could take days...yes days.  I had no idea how long labor would last.

My parents came back to the house that night to pick up the kids to spend the night.  They prayed with us.  Everyone was crying, except for me...was it shock?  I remember feeling completely nauseated.

Jeremy and I left the house and we were heading to the hospital to be induced at 7:00pm.  We were going to grab some dinner because I had not eaten all day, and I knew I would need my strength.  Normally before our babies are born, we always go to Sinclairs in Cloverdale...it's so much fun.  This time we went through the drive through at the Cick-Fil-A on Ann Street and ate in the Walmart parking lot.  I felt like I was going to throw up.

I had not fixed my hair, and I didn't wear any makeup.  I remember pulling up to Jackson Hospital and having a feeling of complete doom and despair.  Hear me clearly, Christ is my HOPE, but I feel like this specific experience in my life so far was my cross to bear.

We arrived in 4 North.  Hadley was born at Jackson hospital.  We arrived at the nurse's station.  A nurse was sitting there charting, and looked up all of a sudden...she knew exactly who we were and why we were there...probably by my lack of hair, makeup, and smile.  Then comes walking up, my sweet sorority sister, Sheena.  She is a nurse at Jackson and I had already contacted her to let her know what was going on and that I was coming.  She gave me a big hug with tears in her eyes.

We began our long walk down the hall.  I passed the room where I labored with Hadley...we continued walking until we reached the very last very dark room.  The nurse gave me my hospital gown and told me to go and change so we could get started.

I walked into the bathroom.  It was then that I started uncontrollably crying.  SOBBING.  So hard that I was gagging.  I felt physically ill.  This WAS NOT happening.  This WAS NOT real.  But it was real, and this was my very real reality.

To be continued.....