Part 3, Life Forever Changed

It has been almost 10 months since I gave birth to our tiny Caroline.  It has been over 6 months since my last blog.  It has been so hard to finish.  I just want it to be clear that I'm writing this down for two reasons--first, this is healing for me.  Healing for me to remember and never forget.  Second, if my story can help anyone going through this same thing, then it will bring me comfort.  I feel like second trimester "miscarriages" are taboo (I don't like to use the word miscarriage, especially when you have to deliever your baby and get to hold her).  There wasn't a lot of information on the internet, as far as personal stories--just procedure type things.  I really wanted to connect with someone who had actually been through this, who had experienced this.  I desperately searched for someone who could really help me know what to expect.

All of this happened so quickly.  We didn't have time to think through all decisions, and honestly, I just wanted it to be "over."  I had no idea that it was just the beginning.  Please don't pass judgement on me or any of the decisions I had to make.  If you feel my blog will help a friend, please send the link.

After I composed myself from my cry fest in the bathroom.  I came out in that very exposing hospital gown, with my very full, swollen belly.  I had really only had to wear these silly gowns while giving birth.  Every single step to the hospital bed felt like an effort...I felt like I had 1000 pounds strapped to each of my feet.  The nurse said, "Ok, I need to you fill out paperwork."  I had to go ahead and sign to give consent to a blood transfusion and a D&C, if needed.  She assured me this was not likely.  I signed.  Then, we went on to get my IV.  I have horrible, horrible veins, especially when I'm already sick and dehydrated.  She tried 5 times to get a vein.  It wasn't her fault.  I was screaming uncontrollably, not because of the pain, but because my mind kept saying "THIS IS NOT REAL.  THIS IS NOT NATURAL.  THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING."  It's like my body and my mind were doing two different things.  I know I scared my sweet, sweet nurse to death.  During one of her IV attempts, there were loud screams of the sweet baby being born in the room right across the hall.  I'll never forget that cry.  My sweet nurse got up quickly, and ran to slam the door shut.  My thoughts were actually, "I'm happy that family gets to bask in the joy and happiness of their newborn." 

After we finally got my IV, the nurse sat down to ask me 10 million health questions.  We got to know each other some.  I found out that she had given birth to 5 stillborn babies.  All I could think was, "How could you do this over and over??"  She actually requested to be my nurse.  I know that God was watching out for me.  He was even making sure that I had someone who had been in my shoes.

Afterwards, she came in with a big smile.  I had two presents that had been left at the front desk, from sweet friends.  You see, when I checked into the hospital, I requested that my information not be released to the public--no room numbers--no phone numbers.  My heart was aching.  This was the start of my dark place.  You see, when someone goes into depression, you often push those you love the most away from you.  Anyway, one friend had handmade a beautiful heirloom blanket "Caroline sized" and embroidered a beautiful cross.  Another friend, sent beautiful pajamas to make me feel warm, comfy, and safe.  They both had special cards--that I have saved in my Caroline Box.

I got ready for bed.  Every three hours I had to take 6 pills of cytotec.  I think I spelled that right.  I'm pretty sure they use these in abortions.  Before I agreed to take these pills, I insisted on another test to be sure my pregnancy numbers were going down.  I had already seen her on the ultrasound; I knew she was gone, but I had to know one more time.  I took the pills, along with a Xanax, and some wonderful IV medication that I can't remember the name of.  I decided not to get an epidural for any of this because I had read (in the short time I had to do research) that this would only make labor longer.  Some people have had to labor for three days or more. 

I slept all night (minus taking the pills every 3 hours).  I think Jeremy slept pretty well, too.  We knew we had a long day ahead of us the next day.

The next morning I remember having horrible, horrible diarrhea--I know this is disgusting, but I wanted to add it because the nurse said it was a side effect of the cytotec.  They gave me something for it, and I felt much better.  Whatever the IV medicine was they gave me made me very comfortable.  I wasn't in any pain, but I did feel like I could feel myself dilating and stretching.  I remember getting out my Bible and reading James.  A few years ago, in Sunday School, we went through a study on James.  It talks about being ready for trials in life. 

I remember Dr. Kouri coming in.  After he left, I remember sleeping a lot.  My room was very dark.  We were on a corner, pretty much alone.  It felt depressing, strange.  When you are in the hospital giving birth, it is supposed to be a HAPPY experience.  I have never been prepared for something like this to happen in my life.  Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying "poor me."  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or treat me differently.  I just want to get my emotions down on paper.

I remember I kept waking up.  I was getting kind of uncomfortable.  Jeremy came and got in bed with me and just help me.  I felt warm and safe.  I drifted to sleep.  I suddenly woke up because I felt and heard a pop.  I knew then that my water had broken.  I got Jeremy up and he paged the nurse.  I just felt an urge to push and I pushed.  I felt a gush.  All was quite.  It was silent for a moment.  I said, "Jeremy, look is that a lot of blood??!"  He looked at me and I will never forget him saying, "She's here."  When babies are born, rooms are usually filled with lots of people--busily doing tasks, pictures being taken, laughter, possibly crying or even screaming--following with sweet baby screams.  But our room was dark and silent.  The nurse came in and picked her up.  Jeremy cut the umbilical cord.  They took her into the other room to clean her up a little.  I remember freaking out--crying, screaming--this wasn't happening!!  This wasn't real!!!

Caroline Jean Cobb, born sleeping, September 19, 2013 at 11:47am.

I am so thankful that I asked a precious photographer to come and take pictures.  She was there immediately.  She was able to take precious shots that I will remember forever...some that are very hard to look at...some captured things I never got to see.

You see, so quickly, Dr. Kouri came in and said, "Are you ready??"  I hadn't been able to spend much time at all with my sweet Caroline.  I had to try to deliver the placenta now.  Remember, I didn't have an epidural.  I tried to push.  I remember him getting out all of these metal tools.  He used them to try to remove the placenta.  I was screaming and crying--I was shaking.  I felt like my body was out of control.  Dr. Kouri said, "What's wrong??"  My mind just kept telling me--this is NOT right, this can't be happening, this isn't normal!!!  My body was doing something completely different.

I had lost so much blood...so much.  Finally, Dr. Kouri called for a D&C.  I would never get to hold Caroline again, until the next day.  I was bleeding so much.  I remember them asking me to get out of my bed and get on the stretcher to be wheeled into surgery.  When I stood up, gushes of blood fell to the floor.  I've never seen so much in my life.  It's strange, but my immediate thought was, "I need to clean that up."  Strange, right?  They took me to prep for surgery, and I remember passing out--fading out. I remember the nurse screaming, "her blood pressure is 40/20."  I remember feeling like--"This must be what it feels like to die."  The nurse kept asking me, "What happened to you??"  I just kept saying over and over--"My baby just died."  Looking back, I just wonder why she didn't know that already.  I'm not in healthcare, so I don't know how this all works.

The anesthesiologist was hoovering over me screaming at me--where is your family!?!  What are their phone numbers??!  I only remember her because she was my anesthesiologist when I gave birth to Hadley--she was awful and really mean.  I just remember closing my eyes.  The next thing I remember is them waking me up in recovery.  I had two IVS now.  They told me that I really needed a blood transfusion, but they had given me a second IV for now to try to prevent that from happening.  I just remember begging for Jeremy over and over again.

Finally they took me up to my room.  Caroline was born at 11:47am.  I think it was close to 9:00 by the time I got back up to my room.  I'm not sure what exactly happened in that length of time or why things took so long or even if this is normal.

I finally ate some dinner.  It was some sort of sandwich.  I was so exhausted, so sick, and I remember going to sleep.

 

 

 The next day was not the same.  No one told me this.  Caroline wasn't the same.  I only spend a few minutes with her.  I had no idea.

 

I can't finish this post now, but I really hope I can finish soon.  I hope I can continue my daily/weekly thoughts on this blog.

 

 

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name, I'll find a way to say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

 

 

Life Forever Changed Part 2

Sorry it has taken me so long to do a second post.  This is actually more emotional than I anticipated it being

Michelle, our ultrasound tech, has always been amazing.  She was there through my pregnancies with John Thomas and Hadley.  When she came back into the room, she was really quiet, and just said, "I am so sorry you guys, but there isn't a heartbeat."  She got the wand back out to show us again.  Our sweet Caroline wasn't moving at all.  She looked just like a photograph.

I was in complete shock.  I think my flight or fight mode was in full swing because I wanted to know the next steps that we were going to take.  Of course Michelle didn't have answers for us, but they were all so kind and gentle.  They took us immediately into a private room (they were really busy that day and we normally would have had to wait back in the second waiting room).  I went to the bathroom and texted my mom and a few other people and then came back to the room.  Dr. Kouri came in and gave me a hug and told me he was so sorry.  He then took us back to his office to discuss what was going to happen next.

Still no tears for me.  I was in complete shock.  I never knew what shock was until then.  I felt like I was reading someone else's blog...someone else's story.

Dr. Kouri came back in and told us we had two options:
1) he could send us to Birmingham to do a second trimester d&c.  He told us that if we did this, then more than likely our precious baby would come out in multiple pieces.
2) he could induce labor and I would have Caroline vaginally.  You see I have always had csections.  I have prayed and begged God to allow me to have a vaginal delivery.  I know this probably sounds strange to most people, but the operating room is such a cold and sterile place...not some place you can snuggle up to your warm, pink baby after they are born.  So, as you can see, the thought of a vaginal delivery now seemed so unfair.  I was angry that I would have to deliver this way, and in fact, I really wanted him to just do the csection and get it over with, but he would not.

We chose to be induced.  Dr. Kouri was so kind and sympathetic.  He called to make the necessary arrangements for us to come in the next night, Wednesday, September 18, 2013.

Dr. Kouri's staff took such good care of Hadley and she never even knew what was going on.  I think she was even having fun.

Jeremy and I had taken separate cars because he had met me from work.  He took the kids and ran into Starbucks to get them cakepops.

I drove home and called my mom.  My entire family was supposed to be meeting that night to celebrate our new baby...balloons, cake, gifts.

I remember coming home to a very quiet house.  I got into my pjs.  Still no tears...just incredible shock.  I could not believe this was happening.

Jeremy got home with the kids.  We fed them dinner, and he gave them a bath.  A dear friend of mine came over to being us dinner.  Everything just seemed so foggy.

The next day, both of the kids had school, and I decided to send them both so I could pack and clean the house.

I cleaned the house like a crazy person...like I always did right before I had a baby.   Because things would be unbelievably crazy when we got home from the hospital, right??

I remember the power went out that day.  The power never goes out.  I had been washing loads and loads of laundry.  I called my parents to ask them to pick the kids up from school because I hadn't even been able to take a shower. They did and then brought them home to take a nap.  Jeremy came home and we were both working like crazy...looking back, I really just think this was shock and me trying to keep my mind off of things.

I was completely terrified.  Dr. Kouri warned me that this process could take days...yes days.  I had no idea how long labor would last.

My parents came back to the house that night to pick up the kids to spend the night.  They prayed with us.  Everyone was crying, except for me...was it shock?  I remember feeling completely nauseated.

Jeremy and I left the house and we were heading to the hospital to be induced at 7:00pm.  We were going to grab some dinner because I had not eaten all day, and I knew I would need my strength.  Normally before our babies are born, we always go to Sinclairs in Cloverdale...it's so much fun.  This time we went through the drive through at the Cick-Fil-A on Ann Street and ate in the Walmart parking lot.  I felt like I was going to throw up.

I had not fixed my hair, and I didn't wear any makeup.  I remember pulling up to Jackson Hospital and having a feeling of complete doom and despair.  Hear me clearly, Christ is my HOPE, but I feel like this specific experience in my life so far was my cross to bear.

We arrived in 4 North.  Hadley was born at Jackson hospital.  We arrived at the nurse's station.  A nurse was sitting there charting, and looked up all of a sudden...she knew exactly who we were and why we were there...probably by my lack of hair, makeup, and smile.  Then comes walking up, my sweet sorority sister, Sheena.  She is a nurse at Jackson and I had already contacted her to let her know what was going on and that I was coming.  She gave me a big hug with tears in her eyes.

We began our long walk down the hall.  I passed the room where I labored with Hadley...we continued walking until we reached the very last very dark room.  The nurse gave me my hospital gown and told me to go and change so we could get started.

I walked into the bathroom.  It was then that I started uncontrollably crying.  SOBBING.  So hard that I was gagging.  I felt physically ill.  This WAS NOT happening.  This WAS NOT real.  But it was real, and this was my very real reality.

To be continued.....

Life Forever Changed

Wow, to be honest, I'm not really sure where to begin.  The last 4 years have been really crazy, since Jeremy started school.  Life really changed once John Thomas was born.  He was a super easy baby, but obviously, life with two was a little more challenging.  He was diagnosed with reflux in January 2012 and then asthma in September 2012.  We had lots of sickness in our house in all of 2012.  I kept John Thomas out of all nursery settings--church, mothers day out, etc.  It was a difficult year, but I really couldn't comprehend how difficult things could become.

Fast Forward to this year--2013.

April 2013--Jeremy finished his LAST class of law school.  We were all elated. 

May 2013--Jeremy walked during graduation.  I'm not sure I have ever been so proud in my entire life.  He worked so hard.  I know I've said it before, but I still don't understand how he worked full time, traveled to Birmingham, and still graduated at the top of his class.

June 2013--We were all keeping busy.  Jeremy was in full swing for studying for the Bar Exam.  Me & the kids were trying to keep busy with swim lessons, ballet camp, gymnastics, pool time, summertime.  We were busy, and it was stressful, but we were having a great time!

*************AT ANY POINT THIS MIGHT BE TMI for some readers, so I'm giving you a fair warning.


July 3, 2013--My parents kept the kids that morning so that I could run some errands.  I just felt "off."  My boobs were were big and really sore.  I remember being in Khols, looking for some pjs for the kids, thinking--what is going on!!  Why are my boobs so uncomfortable, and why can't I lose any weight!?
 As I was walking in the parking lot to my car, I decided to hop over to Target and buy a pregnancy test, just in case.

I still had errands, and I didn't have any kids.  I went to Costco, and I had to go to the bathroom, so I took a pregnancy test inside with me--I NEVER dreamed it would be positive.  I had actually been doing everything I could to prevent pregnancy because life was stressful, and I knew it was possible we could be moving out of state for a new job for Jeremy. 

So, I went to the bathroom.  Immediately, the test turned positive.  I was in complete shock--so much that it took my breath away.   I had no idea how "pregnant" I was or when it even "happened." I remember walking around Costco in a complete daze.

For the rest of July, I was SOOO sick.  I was so sick that I even was prescribed medicine from my doctor.  The month was totally stressful.  Jeremy took the Bar Exam the last 3 days of July,  and he wouldn't get his bar results until the last Friday of September.

August 2013--We held our breath and prayed that God would bless Jeremy's efforts.  Jeremy went to the beach for a bachelor trip.  The kids started back to school.  And, Jeremy and I went to Atlanta at the end of the month for a wedding he was in.  We stayed busy.

In August, I had another routine doctor's appointment.  An appointment now that will always haunt me.  My doctor was using the Doppler to find the baby's heartbeat.  He had a hard time, but eventually he "found" it.  I didn't think it sounded normal at the time, and he even asked me, "do you feel pregnant??"  I told him I did most certainly feel pregnant.  I had been so sick, and I was growing like normal.  At the time, I didn't think about questioning him about what he had said to me.

For the next month I questioned what my doctor had said to me.  I'm not really sure that it matters now, but I guess you always look back on things and wonder, "what if."

September 2013--At the beginning of the month we were still "settling in" to what "normal" life feels like for most people.  We haven't had Jeremy home on Saturdays since Hadley was born--4 years ago.  Life was bliss, and I was able to take some time for myself.  One weekend, I even went to my Sorority's recruitment to be supportive.  Looking back now, I believe it was one of the last weekends that Caroline was alive.

September 17, 2013--This is the day that we had all been waiting for.  Gender Reveal Day.  Leading up to this day, I had a very hard time getting excited.  I felt strange.  I felt like something was wrong.  I just had a bad, bad feeling.  My appointment wasn't until 3:00 that afternoon, so early in the day we went about "life as normal."  I remember putting the kids down for an early nap.  I ironed their clothes--because they were coming with us to the ultrasound.  I wanted to teach Hadley about Life.  About how early Life begins.

We sat in the waiting room for what *felt* like a long time.  I remember having a lot of anxiety.  Was this the Lord preparing me?  Actually a lot had happened, since I found out I was pregnant, that looking back--I feel like really was preparing me for what was to come.  John Thomas was in his stroller and we were feeding him snacks.  Hadley was playing around the waiting room.

Then..."Bonnie Cobb."  Our Ultrasound Tech called us back.  We laughed about how we had the entire family, and how we were all crowding in a little room together.  I explained to her that we brought the kids because I wanted to teach Hadley about how early LIFE really begins.  She turned out the lights and we all got situated.  The tech was making "small talk."  Then she says, "Uh, Hadley, come here with me."

She got up and took Hadley out of the room.  Me, Jeremy, and John Thomas were left in the very, quite room.

It was then that I **KNEW.***

I wasn't completely sure that our baby was dead, but I knew that something was wrong.

I looked over to Jeremy and said, "I told you that I knew something was wrong."  It was only the night before that I told Jeremy about the feeling that I had been feeling.


*******I will finish the second part of this part of our story very soon.***********

Open Blog

Hello All!
It has been a very long time since I have posted.  I am publically opening my blog again.  We have had a lot of life changes in the last year or so.

After baby Caroline died, I longed to find someone that shared my story.  It is rare to find someone with a second trimester miscarriage.  I feel like some blogs have really helped me, and if my story can help someone else, then I would be very happy to help.

Fortunately, The Lord placed a friend in my life, a very long time ago, and we have connected again.  Unfortunately,  she also lost her baby...exactly two years before I did.  I do not believe this is a coincidence.  The Lord has already used her in a mighty way to minister to me.  She reminded me the other day that our sole purpose in life is to glorify God.  That means to glorify Him through all circumstances, even the birth of my stillborn baby.  This is a process.  Sometimes I feel like it is one step forward and two back, but I know God is shaping me and putting my broken spirit back together again.  He is the only one who can make me whole.

It is very strange, but in an odd way, I feel like repeating my story over and over is a kind of healing.  Maybe it gives me a sense that it was actually real and that it did happen.  My blogs will probably be all over the place, but I hope to make them about what is on my mind at the time.

Blog updates to come, so stay tuned.

Our Little Snowman Turned ONE!!!

Obviously this post is very late. :)  John Thomas turned one on December 16, 2012.  Many days of this past year were very long, but the year flew by--if that makes any sense at all!!  Here are some pictures of our little snowman's birthday party!!

 Cake Designs--the best cake in town!

 I'm not crafty, but I must brag--I made this birthday hat! :)

BIG birthday boy!!

 Proud Birthday Sister!

 Oh John Thomas, I love you so much!!

 My Namesake!  

 Silly Boy!

 BEST Family in the world!!

 Looks like we both need a bath...

Present time!

Abandoned Blog!

Well, it appears that I have abandoned my blog once again.  I have had so many posts that I have been dying to write, but I hate blogging without pictures--and pictures take a long time to sort through, post, etc.  So, here is just  a quick boring post so I won't forget some things.

John Thomas is now 13 months old.  He is a pure delight.  He still does his breathing treatments twice a day and is on reflux medicine.  He does albuterol treatments when necessary.  And, he takes singulair.
John Thomas says--
bye bye, and waves his entire hand
ack (for snack)
mama
dada
all done (when he's finished with food)
uh oh (alllll the time--he uses it in correct context and to get your attention)

He loves to eat.  Some of his favorites--
avocado 
black beans
carrots
green beans
broccoli 
chicken
mandarin oranges
strawberries
grapes
grilled cheese sandwiches 
yogurt
***he pretty much likes all food.  He's started not liking bananas.  He used to eat a whole one a day.

**he has 10 teeth and several more on the way.
**loves his bunny & paci, just like his sister.
**bath time is his absolute favorite!!
**loves to swing outside & play in the sandbox.
**plays with all toys--boy or girl.  He especially loves to knock down towers & pour out large boxes of toys.  He adores playing in Hadley's kitchen!!  (his wife one day will be very happy! ;) )

**John Thomas is not walking yet, but I think he could if he wanted to.  He *can* stand alone, and cruises everywhere.  I think he crawls faster than he thinks he can walk.

**He's a tiny thing--I think because of all of his medicine--and is still in size 3 diaper and 9-12month clothes.  Last time I checked he weight about 20ish pounds.

**He weaned himself from nursing at 10 months (he was too active and wouldn't sit still and certainly was no longer interested).  We've been on whole milk ever since (and no chocolate like his sister!!) :).  

Hadley--
She is such a big girl.  She has the most tender heart and loves, loves her brother.  Her favorite thing to do is to play with John Thomas, and she always tries to protect him.  She's really good about keeping little pieces away from him, so he won't put them in his mouth.

**she loves any kind of art project, playing outside--swinging, running, playing in the sand, and still loves princesses.  She loves to dress up and act out princess movies.  Hadley adores dancing.  She's been taking ballet since she was 2 1/2, and I must say I think she really has a talent.  Hadley loves to sing, and she truly has an excellent voice.

**Hadley loves to cook with me and help me clean.  She helps put her laundry away and clean her room.  At bath time, she gets out clean wash cloths & towels for her & her brother (they LOVE taking baths together, and they have since John Thomas was very, very small).

**She is 44 inches tall and weighs about 44 pounds.  She's wearing a size 5 already.  I look at her at night sometimes, after she's fallen asleep, and wonder where my little baby went.  Time really has gone quickly.

Even when I am afraid...

In light of the 2012 Election results---

After hearing the election results tonight, I went in to the rooms of my precious children.  I was overwhelmed with their innocence (obviously, they are born sinners who can only be saved by God's grace, but I mean innocent in terms of our country's decisions) and the thought of what they might have to endure because of the decisions that were made tonight.  I became afraid.  

Even when I am afraid, I am reminding myself of these things:

1. God is still on His throne
2. Jesus is still the King of kings and Lord of lords.
3. The Bible still has all of the answers to every problem.
4. The tomb is still empty.
5. Jesus is still the only way to heaven.
6. Prayer still works - it still makes a difference and God will still answer prayer.

7. The cross, not the government, is still our salvation.
8. There is still room at the cross.
9. Jesus still saves anyone who places their faith and trust in Him.
10. God is still with us always - He will never leave us or forsake us.

Lord, please have mercy on our country!!!